Friends of Quinn

I was walking home on the sidewalk with the old New England rock wall next to it.  I was seven.  Three boys, a little older by the looks of them, sat on the wall.  As I approached, the biggest one got up, blocked my path, and said, “You stink, kid.”  Even at seven, it was a surreal moment.  I wasn’t sure what was happening.  I did not know this boy.  He felt menacing, but with no context for menace, I thought that maybe this was some kind of joke, just a way of fooling around.  He seemed to smile, or maybe it was a smirk.  The two other boys were giggling. So, I looked him back in the eye and said, “You stink, too.”  I might have even smiled as I said it.  After all, we were in on the same joke.
 
The next moment remains crystal clear more than 50 years later.  In an instantaneous explosion that simultaneously occurred in slow motion, his hand came up and slapped me across the face.  It stung.  It shocked.  It scared the hell out of me.  At that point, I did figure out what to do.  I ran.  Luckily, they did not follow.  It was only after I’d arrived home when I was aware of another feeling – humiliation.
 
In light of what is currently being perceived as a national epidemic of bullying, I wonder about what happened to me so many years ago.  Would a mother today report this to the police?  Would a school decide that the seven year-old victim was traumatized  and would need counseling.  Could I be a guest on Oprah, dredging up repressed memories of an abusive childhood?
 
What I remember is being upset, hearing that my mother would not fight my battles for me (when I asked her to settle the score), and being a little frightened for a while of walking by the rock wall.  Perhaps I am fooling myself if I seem to dismiss the lingering effects of a story I actually remember so well.  But I can recount a ton of stuff from my childhood – good, bad, happy, sad, profound, trite.  In some respects, this is just another childhood memory.  And there was a lesson that has helped me.  In life, there are bullies. Sometimes, you run into one; then you go on.

Point one: Let's not be a nation of babies.  Into each life some rain must fall.  Get over it.

Point two: There is bullying, and there is BULLYING.

What I experienced was a relatively random, impersonal, and one-time-only experience of being bullied.  It’s something that does happen to all of us and in most cases, wises us up to realties of human interaction.  But BULLYING is different.  It is not random.  It is personal.  And it happens over and over.  The effects are traumatic and often chronic, sometimes leading to horrifying outcomes for the victims.  Should we be concerned about doing something about BULLYING?  Absolutely.

Many kids, young adults, and even full-grown adults with learning differences (LDs) are at risk for being BULLIED. They are at risk because they are different.  It is easy to pick on kids who are different, especially ones that don’t read well in class, or have horrible handwriting, or who are disorganized and messy.  What bothers me most about calling out persons because they are different is because it is really personal.  This is who they are, yet in our insecurity to be like everyone else, we diss them for not being like everyone else.  Shunning those who are different is most prevalent in adolescence, but many adults never let go of the need to put down anyone who falls outside of their concept of normal.

Luckily, after they get out of school, most adults with LDs do not find themselves being called out or ridiculed for not being a good reader.  Researchers often call LDs the “hidden disability,” and many adults with LDs do not stand out in any way that would bring negative attention.  But there are subtle aspects of LDs that can draw unwanted responses and interactions.  Some persons with LDs do have difficulties with social skills.  They do not read nonverbal social cues. They seem to say or do the wrong thing.  They do not get jokes, or laugh at the wrong time.  Sometimes, they simply do not process what is going on around them.  In some cases, desperation to be accepted leads to bad decisions.  These are the kids that become the patsies for other kids.  They get set up – from doing something stupid (but amusing to others) to being the outright butt of jokes.  They are a BULLY’s delight.  

The results last a lifetime, color perceptions about life in general, and can create areas of chronic dysfunction such as depression, anxiety, and severe loneliness.

Persons with LDs are at risk from full out taunting, at least as kids, to more subtle, but no less painful types of social rejection as adults.  It is not random.  It is personal.  And it happens over and over.  

In a future blog, I will discuss ways of standing up to BULLYING.  We need to stand up together – friends, parents, teachers.  The more we know about why persons with LDs are at risk, the better prepared we can be to help.

Say no to bullies by self-advocating.  Henry’s book, Self-Advocacy for Students with Learning Disabilities: Making It Happen in College and Beyond, is available from most online retailers.  Email Henry at hreiff@mcdaniel.edu or give him a call at 410-857-2525.