Friends of Quinn

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up 
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode? 
- Langston Hughes
 
I think the majority of fathers dream of having a son, a little man who is just like them. “This is my son!” In those four words a father can say everything he feels about his boy. His eyes, his stance, his tone, all tell the world how proud he is of this person he has helped create. Standing at his side is his child, absorbing every nuance. The puff of a chest, the tilt of the head, the wink of an eye. Every bit let’s him know he is loved, admired, cherished, worthy. What happens when that dream’s deferred? When his child is diagnosed with a disability and the “perfect son” he dreamed of is now an unknown?
 
Some guys have a tough time with their emotions. Women chat it up with their girlfriends. They talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. Guys keep it in so much more. Perhaps they see their LD child as a reflection of themselves. Maybe there is shame, disappointment, diminished manliness or a multitude of other feelings that are absolutely natural.
 
I’m fortunate that my husband has always been proud of his children and shared his pride with stories and photos of events in their lives, with anyone who would listen. Our children of course feign annoyance with his ‘shout outs’ of their life doings, but I know there is a part of them that is secretly thrilled.
 
Do I have answers for all the dads, I wish, but I do have some suggestions based on things I know worked with our son and the LD students I work with. Here are a few of the most important things I think matter:

•   Accept the fact that you cannot change what it is, only your feelings and attitude about it are in your control.
•   Educate yourself, don’t let others tell you what your child can or cannot do.
•   TALK! To your spouse, your friends, support groups, or anyone you feel comfortable sharing your feelings.
•   Help your child by being an advocate, not a crutch, and teach them to advocate for themselves.
•   Discover what they are good at and do it together. Don’t put your expectations on them.
•   LOVE!!! Remember the words you speak are only one part. Your actions and body language matter too. Your child sees everything. They want your approval
•   Don’t be ashamed of raising a child with a disability, there is no shame in being the best parent you can be. The only thing you should be ashamed of is raising a child who makes fun of a child with a disability.

Looking back over my suggestions, I found that they are all pretty much just good parenting, regardless if your child is LD or not. Don’t defer those dreams just live and experience the wonder of what is and what it can become.